Everybody Loves Mel Gibson

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I love Tessa’s mother. She and I have the deepest, most meaningful conversations. I truly cherish them.

“You’ve gained a little weight, haven’t you?” she says to me.

“Yes, but I’m bursting with farm-fresh goodness. And I’m devoted to your daughter.”

“If you’re so devoted to her, why don’t you marry her?”

“Because marriage is for idiots and gay couples,” I say.

“Speaking of gay men, when are you going to cut your hair?”

“Never. I’m trying to be more Christ-like.”

“You’re going to put this on your stupid website, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know [shrug]. What makes you say that?”

“I can tell by the way you’re talking,” she says. “You’re being an idiot.”

“No, I’m not. I’m just a misunderstood artist. Like Mel Gibson.”

“Don’t start that with me,” she says.

This was the unkindest cut of all on my part. She loves Mel. Everybody loves Mel—ever since she saw that movie he made, Everybody Hates Christ or whatever it was. I wasn’t going to say anything about Mel Gibson. He’s a wonderful human being, and I’d let him have me if I were a woman. A white woman. A Gentile, anyway. He’s a very nice man. Devoted to Christ.

Me, too. I’m so devoted to Christ that I’d like to play him in a movie. I’d be more historically accurate than even Caviezel was. I have blond hair and blue eyes. Caviezel had only those blue eyes. The Book of Daniel says that Christ’s hair is like lamb’s wool, and everybody knows that lamb’s wool is white. So, the next time they make a movie about Christ he’d better damn well have blond hair. Dishwater blond, at least. Brad Pitt’s Achilles, for example.

To demonstrate my point, I’m going to post a scene from Mel’s move about Christ. Only this time, I’m playing our Lord, and Tessa’s mom is playing a Roman soldier.

CAST

Roman Soldier ….………………………….……..…. Tessa’s Mom

Horse ………………………… Reluctant Cat from “Kitchen Town”

Jesus Christ ……….…………………………………… Fred Miller