It’s a great day. Welcome to News Headlines on The Fred Effect.
We can all officially find out how much money Tiger’s wife is going to let him have. We’ve all been there, both men and women. It’s similar to the way Congress tells the IRS how much income we should be allowed to keep each April.
The opinion polls are telling us how strong President Obama’s Christian-ness is. It’s trending downward this year. His Muslim-ness has increased about five percent over last year according to somebody who makes up poll data. Independent analysis shows that the president’s Muslim-ness increases every time there is a news story about the proposed mosque to be built near Ground Zero.
We just learned that chicken eggs come out of chicken buttholes and that a crack in an eggshell could contaminate it. Also, a sick chicken can lay a perfect-looking sick egg. Cook your damn eggs all the way and get your ass to work. Write that one down if you need to. Okay. I know that salmonella poisoning is not funny. But chicken buttholes are. And that’s the point.
Good thing Tiger’s wife beat the snot out of him before this sick egg thing. If she had fed him sick eggs, that would have been the shits.
In a related story, new poll data being released by a small group of entirely romantic and dashing bloggers has revealed that blogging about the daily news can cause readers to formulate opinions about the blogger’s opinions. This report comes on the heels of a report last month that ninety-seven percent of blog readers are actually blog writers who are looking for people who read blogs. The report quoted a blogger in Uruguay who frankly told the dashing, scientific pollster, “I write my blog because I like to read it.” Critics have pressed the polling group to explain the relevance of a blogger in Uruguay. The polling group suggested that the critics help themselves a dozen raw eggs.
Finally, in our top story today, a new book is out, but we haven’t read it. We will however, make guesses as to what is in it. There is a roughly thirty-percent chance that it will mention Tiger Woods. There is also a thirty-to forty percent chance that it will mention President Obama’s religion, his national origin, his smoking, his blackberry, his other religion, his vice president or any other wholly irrelevant part of his life. And there is a very small chance this new book will mention anything about bacteria in eggs and zero chance it will mention chicken buttholes. Missed opportunity if there ever was one.
Thank you. Have a wonderful day!