It’s a great day. Welcome to News Headlines on The Fred Effect.
We can all officially find out how much money Tiger’s wife is going to let him have. We’ve all been there, both men and women. It’s similar to the way Congress tells the IRS how much income we should be allowed to keep each April.
The opinion polls are telling us how strong President Obama’s Christian-ness is. It’s trending downward this year. His Muslim-ness has increased about five percent over last year according to somebody who makes up poll data. Independent analysis shows that the president’s Muslim-ness increases every time there is a news story about the proposed mosque to be built near Ground Zero.
We just learned that chicken eggs come out of chicken buttholes and that a crack in an eggshell could contaminate it. Also, a sick chicken can lay a perfect-looking sick egg. Cook your damn eggs all the way and get your ass to work. Write that one down if you need to. Okay. I know that salmonella poisoning is not funny. But chicken buttholes are. And that’s the point.
Good thing Tiger’s wife beat the snot out of him before this sick egg thing. If she had fed him sick eggs, that would have been the shits.
NOT FUNNY!
In a related story, new poll data being released by a small group of entirely romantic and dashing bloggers has revealed that blogging about the daily news can cause readers to formulate opinions about the blogger’s opinions. This report comes on the heels of a report last month that ninety-seven percent of blog readers are actually blog writers who are looking for people who read blogs. The report quoted a blogger in Uruguay who frankly told the dashing, scientific pollster, “I write my blog because I like to read it.” Critics have pressed the polling group to explain the relevance of a blogger in Uruguay. The polling group suggested that the critics help themselves a dozen raw eggs.
Finally, in our top story today, a new book is out, but we haven’t read it. We will however, make guesses as to what is in it. There is a roughly thirty-percent chance that it will mention Tiger Woods. There is also a thirty-to forty percent chance that it will mention President Obama’s religion, his national origin, his smoking, his blackberry, his other religion, his vice president or any other wholly irrelevant part of his life. And there is a very small chance this new book will mention anything about bacteria in eggs and zero chance it will mention chicken buttholes. Missed opportunity if there ever was one.
Thank you. Have a wonderful day!
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
“I write my blog because I like to read it.” …..
That is ALMOST as funny as chicken butts…
I actually thought it was fitting that Tiger’s now ex used a golf club to beat his ass.
Seriously, Dude…You crack me up, Fredward. =]
Thanks, Sweet Cheeks. Glad you’re back to working on your fiction. That’s time well wasted.
Yes I do agree Chicken butts are funny…and the Tiger Woods thing…will it ever end? lol
Carrie recently posted..Curves for Kindergarteners
I know, Carrie. The writers in Esquire can’t conceal how much they hate him but can’t quit writing about him at the same time. Can you say, “Man crush”?
I tried to read other “news sources” about the whole egg thing. Yours had just as much real data, and they were totally NOT funny. Oh, and guess what…
TessaLeFae recently posted..Love Isn’t Easy
CHICKEN BUTT!
Guess what?
Chicken Butt.
Sorry. Someone made me do that.
And on another note, I am going to try again to link your site to my blogroll. Stay tuned.
Pearl
Pearl recently posted..Wherein I Step Out of My Own Head and Into Someone Elses
Chicken butts and Tiger Woods’ divorce — two classy things that can never get enough media attention! Hmm, what else do they have in common?
I wouldnt get too worked up over the blogger polls. Bloggers lie. Trust me.
When you say that bloggers lie, how can I trust you?
It worked! You are on my blog roll again…
Pearl recently posted..Wherein I Step Out of My Own Head and Into Someone Elses
You’re so awesome, Pearl. Love you, sista!
I find passing on the opportunity to print butthole (chicken or otherwise) to be rather unwise.
Honestly, can ANYONE read it (particularly when topped and/or tailed with chicken) and not giggle?
I thought not.
Too bad about the rising muslimness. Just when you thought it was safe to frequent a titty bar within walking distance to Ground Zero.
- B x
Thanks for stopping by, Barrenness. I hope England survives Annah’s visit.
Yes, Mike Judge made millions off the word “butthole”. I figure it’s been long enough since “Beavis and Butthead” we can start playing with it again. What a durable word. Mike Judge is a genius.
Fred, you sent me searching this morning to find out about chicken’s anatomy. I was all set to tell you that chickens eggs came out their vagina’s but I was dead wrong. Chickens do not have vagina’s. Nope. They have have something called a cloaca and that is just a fancy word for chicken butts. Male chickens (or roosters if you will) don’t have penises either. They just have one of those cloaca things too. Now doesn’t that just beat all?
Yes, I’ll tell you a secret about ducks, though. They are one of the few birds who do have penises. Tessa and I used to watch our ducks screw in the back yard, and when they’re done, the guy jumps off and drags his wang through the grass. It’s about six inches long and corkscrew shaped. I never could tell whether it was left-hand or right-hand thread. Wouldn’t that be right-wing? Yeah, probably. My ducks were republicans. So, they would be right-wing.
Don’t we all write our blogs because we like to read them ourselves? After all, we’re our own best friends.
CatLadyLarew recently posted..Youre So Brave
When you think about it – who decided it was a good idea to eat what comes out of a chicken’s ass anyway? I wish we would handle religious differences like the WWE – just imagine an angry beefed up Moses pummeling the hell out of Abraham with a metal chair. Love the blog – you are definitely a funny guy whether your gay or straight. Stop the sascheting and pick up a power drill and claim yourself as a heterosexual blogger!
Melissa recently posted..Wanted- One Empty Nest
Hey, Melissa. Great to see you! You reminded me of Jesus vs. Hitler on Celebrity Death Match or whatever it was.
I’m preparing to feature a video in my sidebar about how hetero I am. I prove it by playing about three measures of “Cat Scratch Fever” on electric guitar. I may get it posted by next week. Busier’n hell right now, though.
Stopping over from Linda Medrano’s and her chicken cloaca/butthole controversy. Glad I did. Very amusing read. Thanks.
I write my blog because it gives my kids something to complain about!
Peg recently posted..Johnny on “The Spot”
I can say that as yet I do not have a blog. . .I just stalk bloggers because my job. . .is that boring. And because I am evidently slightly voyeristic. But I am definitely forming opinions about your opinions even as I write this.
Whatever opinions you form, it’s wonderful to see you here! Thanks for stopping by!