Tips for the Happy Christian

• Click here to download a free audio recording of this post.

I love Christians. Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I’m going to pick on them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I pick on them because I love them. And because they’re funny. And I wouldn’t pick on them if I didn’t love them.

For example, the gay-hating Topeka pastor Fred Phelps is funny, but I refuse to make fun of him. That’s because I hate him from his asshole outward in every direction. Nevertheless, he’s funny. I’ve sent him no fewer than fifty letters telling him I think he’s funnier than monkey shit. But I can not pick on him in this piece because I don’t love him. And he’s not a Christian. He’s a godless sonofabitch. Not a godless sonofabitch. But a godless sonofabitch. There’s a difference. And, no, I’m not going to link to his site. His ugly-assed daughter was on the Howard Stern program some years ago. That’s enough.

Now, let’s pick on some real Christians. I’ve got some tips on how to be a happy Christian. I think my tips are necessary because the Christians seem kind of mournful these days. There was all that crap about burning the Qur’an last week. And the mosque at Ground Zero. And the Tea Party and 2012, and on and on and on. Many Christians are still smarting because the internet didn’t fall like the Tower of Babel at midnight December 31, 1999. So, the Christian world is in desperate need of my ministry.

I’m always picking up on clues, see. That’s how I know they need me. For example, they are forevermore planning events that cut into my drinking time. It’s always, “Hey, let’s go play some basketball.” Because I’m, like, six-three and shit, and I’m supposed to be good at basketball. I can suck a basketball through a garden hose. That’s how hard I suck at basketball.  Besides they always wanna shoot some hoop around four in the afternoon when I’m half in the bag. Some times they want to do stuff even earlier in the afternoon when I’m just getting started. Sometimes in the early evening. Or the late early evening. Or the early late evening. Doesn’t matter. Best time to get me on the court is between six and eight in the morning. I can’t sleep with a hangover. Never could.

Now for my list of tips:

Tip #1: Cultivate Bad Habits

Drink a little more, for example. I kind of covered this already. I think paragraph headings in an essay are a good idea. But sometimes I cover the topic and then write the heading. Makes the point stand out better.

Tip #2: Cuss a little

Just a little. Don’t overdo it. No G-Ds. But a little “fuck” now and then won’t hurt anybody. Don’t try “motherfucker” until you’ve had plenty of practice. You don’t want your kids laughing at you.

Tip #3: Draw cartoons

This is something we lose as we approach adulthood. Go back to drawing cartoons. Not the Fred Phelps-style cartoons of stick figures butt-banging on a plywood sign. I mean cartoons of James Dobson driving monster trucks over mountains of pro-abortion legislation. Like that. Sarah Palin in a Catholic Bishop’s hat playing dominatrix over Mitt Romney in a leather collar and thong. If you wanna pick on a democrat, make Al Franken a beaver.

There are really no valid excuses from trying any or all of these. You can’t draw? I can’t draw any better than I play basketball, but I can always find ways for things that make me happy.