A Few Inappropriate Words

by Fred

The best part about writing for my own website instead of for a newspaper is that I can publish the word cunt without asking permission (see image below). A buddy of mine writes a blog on the Topeka Capitol-Journal’s website. They deleted one of my comments when I wrote that I wanted to cut King Samir’s hair and rub it on my scrotum. Too violent for the Crap-Journal, I guess.

Most words are appropriate for The Fred Effect. I’m afraid I can’t offer a complete list of inappropriate words because there are so many inappropriate words that I don’t even know. By the way, I’d love to see some of them. I should start a forum page of inappropriate words that people might not have heard. Watch for that. For now, just drop a few in the comments, here. I will make sure to transfer them to the new forum for Inappropriate Words.

This is the perfect time of year to talk about inappropriate behavior because the political campaigns are in full bloom. The Kansas Governor’s race is hardly a contest; nevertheless, the candidates are still slapping the cat piss out of one another on the television.

Our televisions in Kansas still use silent film, of course.

Yes, that’s my drawing of Friedrich Nietzsche from back in August. I just shaved his mustache and fixed his tie. Made him talk, too. But they are actually two different guys in my fictional reality, here.

Obviously, the guy who slit the kid’s throat is going to win. This is Kansas, after all. We’re republicans. We like slitting throats and poisoning the air and teaching the Bible in Science class. By the way, Senator Brownback is a friend of mine. Not that I’m voting for him. He’s just a bro is all.

Lots of campaigns this year are bloodier than a UFC fight between two fat ticks. I thought the New York Governor candidates were going to duke it out last week. They still might. That would get the vote out, for sure!

There’s that former witch in Delaware who isn’t a witch anymore because she said she’s not a witch. She’s kinda hawt, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a witch. Stevie Nicks cast some kind of spell on Mick Fleetwood back in the ’70s when she sang “Rhiannon.” Made the boy leave his wife. Nothing wrong with being a hot witch, Christine, especially when you’re named after a haunted car.

The funniest part about this campaign is that the prez is still getting nailed for being a Muslim, communist, goat filcher, and he isn’t even running for anything. “What’s a goat filcher?” you ask. According to my younger brother, it’s a guy who cums in a goat’s ass and sucks it out with a straw.

See what I mean about inappropriate words you may never have heard before? I mean forget the old standards, jizz, twat, cock, pussy, and queef. Even cunt is a little old fashioned. Bring up some new ones. All contributors of inappropriate words retain full copyright to their submissions. We’re professionals, here.

In honor of the election year, I’m envisioning our own people’s choice election for the best submission. I guess, I’ll nominate “douche-canoe” from The Bloggess to get things rolling.

Bookmark and Share

{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

Rene Foran

I would contribute …but then I’d be using some family names..and I swore to them that I would never write about them on the devil computer box.

especially that baster lickin’, throat baby garglin’, day old pastrami stuffin’ jackwad

Reply

Fred

Jackwad is great because it’s filthy, but it doesn’t sound filthy. You can use it in church, even. At least in the churches I’ve been to. Sounds like an automotive part or something, but it’s definitely impolite. I like it.

Reply

Patrick Henderson

Crap-Journal? I thought it was the Capital-Urinal. Thanks for expanding my horizons.

Reply

Fred

Tessa leans toward “Capitol-Urinal” too. I don’t remember where I picked up Crap-Journal. I think it was on their blog, of all things. Other people can write Crap-Journal, but I can’t cut Samir’s hair? I’m being repressed!

Reply

Meg

Okay, I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks but I’ve been a lurker…this is something I had to comment on. Lately, my go to cusses have been, “fuck nugget” or “butt burglar”. Not sure of their originality, but they’ve worked. For me anyway.

Reply

Fred

I love both of these. I think fuck nugget gets my vote, though. It’s phonetically aggressive. Not that a butt burglar isn’t aggressive, too. By the way, a variation of butt burglar is turd burglar. Love the rhyme. Heard it from a comedian named John Fox.

Reply

TessaLeFae

How about any line from the song “Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo” My favorite is Retrofit the pudding hatch with the boink swatter. Sorry, not original.

Reply

Fred

No, that’s okay if it’s not original. Tessa is right. There is a great list of rare words in the lyrics to that song. I’m still laughing over bitch wrinkle three years after I first heard that song.

Reply

Minnow

“Chingaderrific”

Reply

Fred

And its masculine and feminine declensions: chingaderrifico y chingaderrifica. And, of course, the past participle, chingaderrificado.

Reply

gerald

I like the word quim myself – I think its an Elizabethan word and you’ll find it some Shakespeare except most of that’s been bowdlerized.

Reply

Fred

Is it in The Merry Wives of Windsor? I’m going to listent to that whole play to check.

Where can I get the unbowdlerized versions?

I recall that Hamlet puns on the word cunt when he asks Ophelia, “Did you think I meant country matters?” That’s in my version.

Reply

Linda Medrano

Shamunga! These are some bad words. but I kind of like “quim” too.

Reply

Fred

Penthouse magazine used to use the word quim quite a bit twenty years ago. I wouldn’t know any more. But I always sensed that it was from the Brits. We are their children, after all.

Reply

Rene Foran

“The Quim Whisperer” would make one heckuva flick-er

Reply

Fred

Finally, I know what I am!

Reply

Peg

I can only think of one you can use in church that I first read on Princess Spot’s blog and it’s jackhole. A combination of Jackass and Asshole only better and you can use it in church without guilt! I’m not very original. And my brother in law used to use “tweener” but not in the sense that they use it now meaning a preteen. His was a derogatory meant towards gay men meaning they were ‘tween a boy and a girl. I’m not particularly fond of it because I don’t like to be derogatory. I know… not very good but that’s all I got today.

Reply

Fred

Never heard jackhole but you’re right. It’s perfect for church. I know an old hellfire and damnation preacher who says, “I don’t give a flip!” It sounds dirty enough. He’s from South Carolina, too, so flip has a real big floppy l in it.

Reply

Bodaciousboomer

I like the oldies but goodies like Fuckwad myself. The good thing is it’s gender neutral.

Reply

Fred

That reminds me, Michelle. Do you remember the prince’s name in the first Shrek movie? Prince Farquad. Sure did sound like a thinly veiled “fuckwad” to me.

Reply

Anna

I always thought that too – Farquad/fuckwad..

Reply

sheri

hmmm…not a word, more of a character description- used most recently when referring to my brothers-in-law’s extreme lack of genuine assistance during my husband’s last hospitalization.
Made me feel better to call them RatBastardWeasels instead of by name. Just inappropriate enough to feel good, but clean enough that my 10 year old could also use it (it was a very stressful time and we both needed to blow off some steam LOL).

Reply

Fred

That’s good, Sheri. If you need to up the octane on that one, I’ll offer one from an old farmer down the road from us. He used to call me “the bloody afterbirth of a bastard monkey”. Always with affection, of course, but it could be vicious if you said it right.

Reply

Fragrant Liar

Wowee, this is one of those moments. Should I or shouldn’t I?

My sister and I have contests for who can call the other the grossest thing, and I have to say, I’m the queen of that contest, though I couldn’t do it without her; she inspires me. I truly can’t even type some of the names we have called each other, so I’ll go with one of the safer ones: Dude, smegma breath.

Reply

TessaLeFae

Anything starting with “Dude” and ending with “breath” gets my vote. :)

Reply

Pearl

May I add “ass javelin”?

I’m also quite fond of “choad mountie”.

Pearl

Reply

Fred

Thanks, Pearl. That’s the most exotic one yet!

Reply

Ari

My favorite is twat waffle, it just rolls off the tongue. I stole it from author Poppy Z. Brite.

Reply

Fred

Yeah. Twat waffle is still hip enough for Esquire magazine. I saw it in there a couple of issues back. Talking about some past president or other.

Reply

The Barreness

I’m sorry, Fred darling. All I can think of is this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8sxk4xNnxw

- B x

Reply

Fred

“Gateway to her guts”? How romantic! Did he say “squish mitten” in that song? I love “squish mitten”.

Reply

Garretot

thefredeffect.com – da mejor. Guardar va!

Reply

T Yeager

Dirty Sailfish Vagina, Dillshot, Vag Pad, Tit Biscuit

Reply

Gaf

My wife came up with a great mixer, and we and all our friends have taken to it.
Fucker-bitch
It combines two classic curse words in a new and vague enough way to work in a variety of situations.
For example, “I can’t believe that fucker-bitch said that!”
I personally enjoy using it in plural form.
For example, “Suck on this, fucker-bitches!!”

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: