Called Off Due to Good Weather

by Fred

The Sunday edition of The Fred Effect is sort of called off for today. Don’t worry everyone is fine. Tessa is fine. Even Sean is slightly less brain-dead since we’ve been forcing him to do math problems after school and to surrender the XBox for occasional use by the rest of the household. He’s actually been bathing and hugging his mom without being told, so perhaps there is something seriously wrong with him.

Anyway, I’m trying not to write too much because I may end up writing a whole column instead of this short notice that the column is not apearing today.

It’s not that we mistreat Sean, but it feels kind of cruel to force him to do things like homework and dishes. Yes, it is decidedly cruel. I admit it. But it’s a kind of cruelty that makes children more affectionate.

I should write a book on that. Like that Chinese mom who says that Chinese cruelty is the best kind. My book could be titled Honky Cruelty: Motivating Your Child through the Blue-Eyed Devil

I’m blaming the good weather for not writing a column today. But I haven’t even spent that much time outside this week. My time has actually gone toward coercing a thirteen-year-old to figure surface areas and volumes of cylinders and prisms. Fucking worksheet problems don’t even specify between rectangular prisms and triangular prisms. So, then Sean and I argue over which it should be. I say, “Screw it; make it triangular.” Those are a little harder. These worksheets aren’t for a grade anyway. They’re just worksheets I found. It’s his fault. He won’t bring his homework home.

He thinks that he if he doesn’t bring his math home, then he has an excuse not to do it. There are no excuses in this house.

AH! IRONY!

Everyone who indentifies at least one irony in this column wins a free subscription to The Fred Effect.

So, yeah. It’s nice weather cutting into my writing time. Going outside to plant potatoes, now.

I love all of you.

Now, stop reading this and go play.

Bookmark and Share

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

TessaLeFae

I win! Ironic you’re writing about not writing. Hey wait, I already have a free subscription… another irony. I win again!! Wait a minute…

Reply

dbs

Are you seriously going to plant potatoes? I live in northern Canada and I’m vulnerable to that sort of talk because we don’t plant potatoes here for another 6-8 weeks.

Reply

Fred

We have friends who plant them on St. Patrick’s day. Technically, the frost risk drops below 50% on April 1 around here, so that’s really the time to begin planting. But potatoes can take a little frost and still make it. I would have planted on St. Patrick’s Day, but I wanted to work the soil a few more times. Needed some acid and some compost.

Reply

Angela

Irony?

You wrote a 349 word blog about not writing a blog.

“I’m blaming the good weather for not writing a column today. ” “There are no excuses in this house.”

Can I use the weather as an excuse not to do homework? Or laundry? Or grocery shopping? Or cooking? Please???

Love you!

Reply

TessaLeFae

Yes, good weather always trumps chores, go play.

Reply

Fred

Blaming the weather is okay, but if you want to get away with it, I would suggest blaming the planets. You know. Like, “I can’t do laundry until September because Jupiter is in retrograde.” Who the hell is going to know what the fuck you’re talking about?

Reply

Gorilla Bananas

Honky Cruelty? Wasn’t that slavery? Or do you mean Honky Tonk cruelty?

Reply

Fred

I ought to cover that in the first chapter. American slavery was indeed a precursor to Honky Cruelty. We retain its vestiges in the rebel flag and antique tractor pulls. Modern Honky cruelty is more high-tech, with computers and shouting. Lots of shouting.

Reply

Meg

Kids. You’d think making them do chores was pure torture. I dyed my 16 y/o’s hair blue last night. I now feel he owes me a week a not whining or trying to bargain his way out of doing dishes, taking out trash or feeding the dogs. I think I enjoy being delusional.

Reply

TessaLeFae

Wow, I totally understand. Sean wants to dye his hair black. Whenever I give in to something like that, I try to bargain good behavior. Ironic they seem to modify our behavior more than we modify theirs.

Reply

Meg

You’re exactly right! Once upon a time, I thought I’d never tell my children to shut up. Now I find that sometimes I have to scream it at the top of my lungs to be heard. And then I wonder what they’ve turned me into.

Reply

Fred

They start that before the umbilical cord is tied.

Reply

Fred

When Sean starts arguing or bargaining, I start acting weird. Like asking him personal questions about his sex life. Shit like that. It freaks him out. He’d rather do the work than talk to a weird person.

Reply

Meg

I’m really more of a “do it or else” type, but I guess expecting good behavior for blue hair is a bargain. Or, it doesn’t stop my oldest from
trying to make a deal. The kid is persistent, I’ll give him that. He’s too used to my crazy to be phased by it.

Reply

Meg

Don’t you wish they’d use some of that persistence and creativity towards their school work? As I type this, I can’t help but think if our parents had had blogs, they would have been saying the same things about us…

Reply

Fred

Now, that is a fun exercise. First of all, my mom had seven sons, so we would have been give serial numbers. Names are too hard for parents to remember.

Reply

Linda Medrano

This whole non-post is irony. I like it though. Isn’ t that ironic?

Reply

Fred

And surreal.

Reply

secret agent woman

That’s a very long post for someone who isn’t writing.

Reply

Fred

It got out of control as I feared it would. Still shorter than most, though.

Reply

Annie

Isn’t it ironic how the “non-posts” always turn into lengthy and often humorous diatribes?

Reply

Fred

Thanks for stopping by, Annie. I hope you get lots of clicks on my W.O.W. button. Please, people, check out a real writer.

Reply

Brandy

Kids like the torture of chores and homework. They just like to complain about it now and then.

Reply

Kim Wright (Pinkim)

OK, I just stopped to point out that…um…don’t look now but I think you wrote…just sayin’

Reply

If I Were God...

Are you the Seinfeld of bloggers; The ‘show about nothing’?

Clever misdirection, wish you had done it on Friday.
(Apr 1)

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: