Cripple Jokes

by Fred

I can tell cripple jokes, now, since I found out this month that I have asthma. For real! I have an inhaler and a special little bong attachment and everything. It’s so exciting. I used to think that guys with asthma couldn’t do he-man athletic stuff, but one of my sparring partners has asthma. In fact, he nearly knocked me out one night. I was wearing headgear, and he was wearing gloves. So, anyway. I know at least one guy with asthma who can probably kill me with his bare hands. That’s pretty cool.

By the way, that guy doesn’t fight in tournaments anymore. The hand he smacked me with has carpal tunnel syndrome from (guess what?) a computer mouse. He’s an IT nerd for some huge national railroad. I’ve made arrangements with my friends in class to remind me not to give him any shit about his carpal tunnel.

So. Cripple jokes. I learned the beauty of cripple jokes over the last ten years volunteering downtown at a human rights organization. We were at a meeting down there this week and kidding around before the meeting started when Tessa cracked a joke that reminded me of this indescribable beauty. The director of the organization was talking about his wife raising hell with him doing his tax returns. She would yell from her upstairs office, and he would yell back. Then she would yell something else and he would yell back. Finally Tessa goes, “There’s a reason why she went upstairs to do your taxes.” I forgot to mention that the director uses a scooter. I suck at telling jokes. That’s another disability I have.

Anyway, all that reminded me of the best cripple joke I ever heard. And I was there to watch it happen. Completely original. Solid gold. It was at the same company about five years ago. I was shooting the shit in my office with another volunteer. All us volunteers had our own offices. They didn’t pay us, but they gave us office space. Desks. Computers. Internet. The works. We did a fair amount of research. Anyway, this woman I’m talking to has multiple sclerosis. That’s important. We were discussing the different races we like to have sex with. That’s important too. I was going on about how I can speak Spanish and all, but I wanted to learn Arabic because I prefer having sex with Middle Eastern women. I was probably just showing off because the woman I was talking to is quite Jewish. Has a Jewish Bible and everything. She’s all about how she likes black guys, probably trying to make my Swedish/Irish ass jealous.

Okay. Got the picture? Then this other volunteer comes in. He’s always coming in my office borrowing five bucks for cigarettes, and I’m always giving it to him because I get a hard-on from doing that. But multiple-sclerosis-lady and I are deeply engrossed, so I ignore him. We keep talking. We’re all deep into the various intricacies of the American Indian race and . . .

Wait, before I screw this up, let me explain that the guy who wanted cigarette money didn’t have any legs. He passed out on a railroad track and got run over by a train that chopped off his fucking legs. Okay? Yeah, he was using a scooter.

K?

All right. So, MS-lady and I go on for a little while about the different races we prefer to fuck, when Legless Man gets impatient and chimes in. He goes, “I just like to stay with my own kind.”

With the timing of a Mozart concerto, MS-lady goes, “You mean the kind with no legs!”

Cruel! I started laughing so hard that my large intestine nearly shot down into my scrotum.

After the dust cleared, I gave Legless Man five bucks for cigarettes. Of course! He might be a racist asshole, but we all gotta smoke. Right? And he will die twenty years sooner if I help him out. Right?

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Linda Medrano

That is hysterical! I guess that’s wasn’t what he was expecting, huh? One of those “I wish I’d been there” moments! Thanks Fred! You made my morning!

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Fred

Oh, if you’ve ever seen someone try to swallow his own face, you can imagine his reaction.

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Meg

I almost feel bad for laughing so hard, but he completely deserved that.

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Fred

Laughter is an evolution of the orgasm. You’re supposed to feel guilty. Congratulations!

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Sidney

Racist, needy, double-amputee? He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

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Fred

Okay, you got me with that one. I snorted coffee on my own monitor. Thanks.

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TessaLeFae

That was so appropriately offensive, loved it.

When all that happened I was working on the other side of the cubicle with my jaw on the floor. I was so stunned an impressed I had to save laughing for later. Still the funniest most well deserved cut-down ever.

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Fred

Nobody can get away with cripple jokes like you, Babe.

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Annie

I have carpel tunnel. It’s no joke, Fred and I’m deeply ofeendfggggtttyyqwertyuiooqggghhhhhhh

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Fred

Laughter helps carpal tunnel syndrome.

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Gorilla Bananas

Maybe he did actually mean he liked legless women. It might be possible with pulleys and harnesses and stuff.

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Sidney

A friend and I actually mapped that out in high school. But the plan was “How to get a better grade by sleeping with our Chemistry teacher without actually touching him.”

I’m relieved to say I don’t know if it worked, and that we both got C’s.

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Fred

Oh, yeah. I remember the Ricki Lake talk show. They had those guys on pretty often.

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Jessica

OH MY.

OH MY, MY, MY.

Seeing as how the previous comments have expressed what I want to say, I shall just stick with “you’re FREAKING HILARIOUS.”

I should just don my cone of shame now for laughing at cripples.

If Jesus uses this against me on judgment day, it’s your fault.

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Fred

I’ve prayed about this. Jesus loved it!

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If I Were God...

Wasn’t sure what to expect with that title;
What do you call a parapalegic floating on the ocean? Bob
” ” in a pile of leaves? Russel
” ” on your doorstep? Matt
” ” at the beach? Sandy

Anyway, glad you didn’t do THAT. It would’ve been needless and frankly in very poor taste.

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Fred

Hey. Velveeta is in poor taste, too, and I love it. That’s an iron-clad rule around here: People demanding respect can get the fuck out now.

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Chris@Knucklehead!

Gives new meaning to the phrase, “Well, she really stumped me that time.”

Yeah, we’re all going to Hell.

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Fred

I am totally going to keep this one for later use.

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Kernut the Blond

OMG! That’s funny!

BTW – I can teach you a little Arabic. I know a little, but most of it’s dirty, how to get laid stuff. “Marhaba” is “Hello”. “Bedak baree?” is “would you like to sleep together?”. That’s a good start.

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Fred

You can teach me Arabic any time. Ever had an offer like that on Match.com?

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