Get Rich Sitting on your Ass

by Fred

Just got an e-mail this morning that says that I, too, can make a living as a copywriter. I have received this same e-mail 1,467 times over the last four years. I have even read it. Twice. It should read, “You can make six figures writing spam.” Yep. They give you your own spam software with the six-hundred-dollar tuition fee.

Oh, but you can get a refund of “every penny” if you don’t like it in the first year. The word every really is underlined. Like they already know I’m going to pay with pennies. They know, too, that I’ll never send back the software even if I don’t like it. The subtext of the “we’ll refund every penny” line actually means, “You will never ask for a refund because you are so lazy that you actually believe that you can make six figures sitting on your dead ass.”

They are absolutely right, too. In fact, I’m so lazy that I neglected to photograph Toby’s testicles before Tessa had them chopped off this past Monday. I had a great blog post involving his testicles, but it’s too late, now. And I’m supposed to have enough gumption to write spam?

Speaking of testicles, I love it when pretty men like Arnold Schwarzenegger have a child so ugly it could make a freight train take a dirt road.

Don’t have a whole post for that joke. But I’m seriously considering having a vasectomy so it doesn’t happen to me.

Wonder if our vet would do it. Cheap. Hell, I’d do it myself with the right bottle of Scotch, a scissors, and a Swingline stapler.

The celebrity magazines I read are reporting that Arnold is seriously considering having himself killed in his next movie. Don’t blame him. DAMN!

Oh, and, Happy Father’s Day this weekend.

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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Meg

Arnold’s pretty?

Hmm. A Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy kit. That could be your million dollar idea.

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TessaLeFae

Your cousin’s vet might do it.

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Gorilla Bananas

Are there any examples of two ugly people having a beautiful child? I think it’s theoretically possible with careful selection. You need to mate with a woman who is big where you are small and small where you are big.

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Fred

All gorilla children are beautiful.

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If I Were God...

“pretty men like Arnold Schwarzenegger” ?

Is this some new use of the word pretty I am not familiar with?

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Fred

Even the gods object to pretty. My taste in men is jut not as good as I thought.

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Linda Medrano

There are no ugly children, just jaundiced view of them. I’m glad I realized Toby is the cigarette/cigar smoking dog and not the kid. You had me worried for a moment there. I’m not good with names. They have plastic testes for show dogs. Maybe you should consider this for Toby’s self esteem.

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Fred

So far Toby is holding firm without his jewels. But I’ll keep the prosthetics in mind if necessary.

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secret agent woman

Schwarzenegger may have been in good shape at one point, but never was he pretty. Or even particularly attractive.

But of course two very attractive people can have a very unattractive child and vice versa. Regression to the mean.

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Fred

I’m noticing a growing opposition to the term “pretty” applied to Arnie. I need another word. Winsome? Nope. How about beef-cakey?

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Kim Wright (Pinkim)

Schwarzenegger is not and never has been pretty!

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Kim Wright (Pinkim)

Oh, wait…did I miss the point here???

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Fred

See the movie Commando when he’s landing on that island in Speedoes and a rubber boat. My first wife had to rewind and replay that clip several times. That’s what I was thinking about when I wrote “pretty.”

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