Medical

Help! Help! I’m Being Repressed!

February 1, 2012

As a Roman Catholic, I am mortally offended that my Blue Cross policy covers breast reconstruction in the event that Jesus takes one or both of my breasts with cancer. This sexist, over-reaching policy is repressive to my religious belief that my breasts are naughty. The next president had better stop this assault on my [...]

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Body Piercing and Marriage

December 7, 2011

I know a kung fu teacher in Lawrence, Kansas who wears a gold ear pendant so long that it drags his shoulder. He’s a national champion in full-contact kickboxing, so I don’t give him any shit about it. But I still think Tessa is tougher than he is. He’s the black guy in the video [...]

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Not Enough Cuss Words

November 13, 2011

Words can not express my rage when the green stuff comes up in the suction hose. I change the three-month furnace filter every two months. I sterilize the tracheotomy tube every fucking day. I slather 60% alcohol lotion on my hands when I handle the respiratory equipment. Yet she is sick again. The second time [...]

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Tessa Got Flu from NBC Nightly News

October 30, 2011

I looked down at Tessa in the bed and said, “I wish God would let me give you some of my muscles.” She looked up at me all sleepy and said, “He does. Every day.” Click here to download a free audio recording of this post. Because this is a humor blog, I should explain [...]

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Reading on the Crapper

October 26, 2011

I know the experts tell us that reading on the crapper is bad for us. Spreads dysentery, causes hemorrhoids, probably brain cancer, too, now that cell phones have been vindicated. Again. Click here to download a free audio recording of this post. But I do my best reading on the porcelain tractor. It’s the only [...]

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May Cause Abnormal Dreams

October 16, 2011

Three days ago, I heard a television ad disclaimer for Enbrel, or something. Doesn’t matter which it was. Just one of those products that sound like the engineers flunked spelling. The disclaimer said that their medication could cause “abnormal dreams.” Right then, I knew it was time to go through my dream archives and sort [...]

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Pardon Me While I Gross You Out

September 18, 2011

This won’t take long, I promise. My doctor has me doing one of those fecal occult blood tests to see whether I have butt cancer. Go ahead and stop reading this and go read Angie Uncovered. Still here? Okay. You all know the ones– the ones where you have to spread your butt butter on [...]

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What is Humor?

August 31, 2011

I don’t really know what humor is. All I know is that my favorite episode of “American Dad” is when they bought a race horse to make money, and they thought they had to jack it off every day. Then the horse developed mental problems because it was being molested, and it couldn’t race any [...]

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