Movies/Television

Tessa Turns Forty-two

When God makes a little baby in its mommy’s tummy, He has a guardian angel typing the baby’s DNA real fast like a crazy little motherfucker. Sometimes the guardian angel makes a typographical error in the DNA and the baby is born with an extra-long neck or something. If the baby is a cow, it […]

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What the F*#%, Indeed!

Howard Stern made his millions by tapping into the id of his listeners. He speaks his listeners’ thoughts: “I hate Kathie Lee Gifford’s guts, but I’d sure like to make love to her.” That kind of thing. “Personally, morally, I’m opposed to abortions, but there ought to be more of them.” See what I mean? […]

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You All Ought to be Ashamed of Your Damn Selves

I seriously thought this video would be more disturbing than it was. My drunken brother and I thought it was disturbing– and we used to throw cats at each other. Not much bothers us. I posted this on facebook, and the comments are all sweet and mild, like, “What software is that?” I guess facebook […]

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The Election is Officially a Comedy

If you want to write a comedy these days, it’s a good idea to use four guys and make sure at least one of them is fat. We love fat guys. I don’t need to explain much more. Just look at these pics. Okay, Grownups has five guys. But Chris Rock is actually the wife […]

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Prez Offers Gov. Brewer Some Comfort Food

I ought to be kicked right square in the onions for going so political these days. It’s too easy. I promise someday I will get back to real humor. Today’s video was intended to be just a snapshot with speech ballons, but it took only a couple of hours to voice and animate this. And […]

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The Rest of the Story Problem

Between the story problems in Sean’s algebra homework this week and the South Carolina primary yesterday, I ended up having the following dream last night: Mitt Romney’s weight is a three-digit number, the sum of whose digits equals nine. The second digit is three times the third digit, and the third digit is twice the […]

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Online Piracy is Sexy

[This was originally published January 18, 2012 when most blogs went black in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act. I’m not much on protesting. Whenever they tell me not to do something, I just go ahead on anyway.] I stole that line from Jenny, my adopted blogging godmother even though I’m older than she. […]

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We Don’t Say “Retarded” Anymore

Now, we say “limited cognitive functioning.” I’m not going to say “intellectual disability.” You don’t get Aristotle and Aquinas jammed down your throat as much as we did and let someone get away with “intellectual disability.” Not without a fight. Still. Might as well face it. I’m fucking retarded. I’m watching Captain America. Got no […]

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Sarah Palin’s Picks for the GOP Nomination in 2012

If your friends need you, and you haven’t posted your scheduled article for the day, please screw the article. You’re the boss. That’s what we did yesterday. A friend was under the weather, so we went over there and Tessa offered comfort while I did housework. Absolutely, totally worth it. I was animating a cartoon […]

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Mitt Romney’s Religion

This is not a political site. It is a site that uses the accomplishments of others to promote itself. During this election season, I intend to exploit the names and accomplishments of whomever seems to be a good search engine topic. This means that presidential candidates will be showing up pretty often for a while. […]

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Election Season’s Greetings

I know I said that I would never dilute Mike Judge’s characters again. But the dawning of the presidential primary season is no time for dwelling on past indiscretions. And besides, Ron Paul looks a lot like Beavis. How can I resist when I already had Beavis drawn and dressed in a suit and tie? […]

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I Love You, Andy

I had today’s column written four days ago, but I didn’t know Andy was going to die. So, you will get to hear me bitch some more about religion this coming Wednesday. Today is for Andy Rooney. I was lucky to live in a time of great man who never took his own greatness too […]

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Tessa Got Flu from NBC Nightly News

I looked down at Tessa in the bed and said, “I wish God would let me give you some of my muscles.” She looked up at me all sleepy and said, “He does. Every day.” Click here to download a free audio recording of this post. Because this is a humor blog, I should explain […]

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Thank you, Mike Judge. And, Apologies.

Click here to listen to a free audio recording of this post (2:16) When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Keats. To this day, nothing is more sublime than sitting with my copy of Keats (now held together with rubber bands and packing tape) and just soaking up the pages. And soaking […]

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May Cause Abnormal Dreams

Three days ago, I heard a television ad disclaimer for Enbrel, or something. Doesn’t matter which it was. Just one of those products that sound like the engineers flunked spelling. The disclaimer said that their medication could cause “abnormal dreams.” Right then, I knew it was time to go through my dream archives and sort […]

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