Glenn Beck is a Mormon

There are actually two Glenn Becks. There is the pre-Fox News Channel Glenn Beck, and now there is the deity Glenn Beck. Wake me up when it’s over.

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I would pick on Limbaugh, too, but Limbaugh makes me think too much about Limbaugh. He made me laugh back when presidents were funny. We had sixteen years of funny-as-hell presidents. But this new one just isn’t funny. Love the guy. But he’s not easy to kid about. And he forces Limbaugh to take him seriously. That’s why Limbaugh sucks now.

This site is supposed to be a no-kill shelter for the mind. Nothing kills the mind like seriousness. I refuse to be serious on this site. If Chaucer could have his characters threaten to rip each others nuts off (“I wold I hadde thy coillons in myn hond!”), then I can give mental massages with my well-reasoned insights.

Incidentally, by “well-reasoned” I mean “confusing,” and by “insights” I mean “bullshit.” Just thought that needed clearing up.

If Lord Byron can rhyme “Don Juan” with “new one” and “Seville” with “devil,” then I can pleasure people with my confusing bullshit. The essential difference between Lord Byron’s poem and Glenn Beck’s television show is that Byron’s confusing bullshit was entirely intentional.

Byron’s poem is also funny.

I’m not sure whether Beck is trying to be funny or not. If he is, he should be working for Lorne Michaels, not Roger Ailes.

Lorne Michaels would have loved Lord Byron. If you don’t want to read his Don Juan, you can get an idea of the personality behind it from his remarks in a letter to a friend: “As to ‘Don Juan’ — confess — confess — you dog and be candid that it is the sublime of that there sort of writing — it may be bawdy — but is it not good English? It may be profligate — but is it not life, is it not?”

But Byron had to put up with even worse dick-wraps than we have today. He said that he was frightened by the outcry against the immoral content of Don Juan. “I have such projects for the Don — but the Cant is so much stronger than the Cunt — now a days, — that the benefit of experience in a man who had well weighed the worth of both monosyllables — must be lost to despairing posterity.”

Of course, Byron was overreacting, but the reading public was peopled with pasty half-wits like Glenn Beck removing their spectacles and wiping their tormented eyes over the scandalous print before them. Thank God they die back with the seasons, but Byron remains immortal.