My Metaphysical Disability

I never understood how my dad could see me in the rearview mirror when I was being bad in the car. I would clobber one of my brothers with the tire iron or some freshly-blessed palm fronds, or a copy of Little House on the Prairie, and Dad would clap that mirror right on me and glare.

I couldn’t move a limb even to wipe my brother’s blood off my arm or anything. After about a minute, I’d become fascinated by looking in the mirror and not seeing myself. Why the hell was I seeing him and not myself? He was facing away from me! I still can’t explain it.

Still happens, too, if I see a mirror. Not if my hair is down, of course. But if it’s up in a braid and if I don’t turn my head, his Viking eyes and iron features flash back at me. And it’s not at all flattering. Not that he’s an ogre or anything. I’ve just never been very good with mirrors.

What are mirrors for, really? Popping zits? If you didn’t have a mirror, you wouldn’t see your zits anyway. And if your lover doesn’t want to look at your zits, let him or her pop them. Mirrors were not invented for their utility.

I’ve decided they are metaphysical. Mostly because I’ve never been very good at metaphysics, either. All I know is that a mirror is not an apparatus invented by humans. I mean, think about it. Mirrors existed since the Big Bang formed the laws of physics in the first place. As soon as liquids could form, there have been reflective surfaces. In other words, God invented the mirror.

I ask again, for what purpose? Obviously, to kill people for His own pleasure. Narcissus starved to death gazing at his own reflection in the water. My dad’s mirror glare could zap me like a lightning bolt from Zeus. Wouldn’t kill me outright, but it certainly killed my willfulness for a few minutes.

Little kids are also a type of mirror. Nobody invented that. When Sean was little and waving the butcher knife around the dog or my zipper, I would grab it and say, “Thank you.” I did that for a couple of months, until he grabbed something from my hand and said, “Thank you.” Okay, I learned my lesson. That’s what mirrors are for. To chastise the human race.

And God’s plan would have worked out fine, too, except the human race had to go and develop technology that allows us to hide from mirrors. Beer was first. With a nice brown foam on top of your beer, there’s no drunk staring back at you as you raise your glass. Running tap water was next. No well or calm spring pool to look down into every morning displaying your conscience.

Getting taller was next. Lucy was a short little shit about three feet tall. As the human race got taller, we never raised the mirrors in our houses. By the time I was seventeen, all I could see in the mirror was my tits. Thus, I have no conscience anymore. Blessed relief.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }


First of all I would like to say excellent blog! I had a quick question which I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your mind prior to writing. I have had a difficult time clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out. I do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally wasted just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Appreciate it!



Thanks for stopping by, Rosetta. That time figuring out how to begin is not wasted. That’s part of the process. Writers call it “ass in chair time.” That’s where you start. It’s not wasted.


karen somethingorother

Fred you are so wacky. Honestly. There’s just too much to talk about in this. Your tits. I guess that’s what happens when you turn that mirror on yourself and GO with it.



This is the first time ive been here, discovered your blog after a search for mystic viewpoints on mirrors. And though this is among the first few stops it certainly does contain what I sought. Ill be sure to stop by again.

As far as the article, I am of the opinion that mirrors are one of the base laws of the universe, others being irony eat cake, and of course tits.

Ya see Ive always known why im here, but who are you people…. A decent and typical starting point for any self identifying arian. ( Thats an astrological reference )



I absolutely love your site.. Pleasant colors & theme.
Did you develop this site yourself? Please reply back as I’m attempting to create my own blog and
want to learn where you got this from or just what the theme is called.

Thank you!



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