Q: Who records your mp3s?
A: Richard Pryor! Whodafuck ya think?
Q: Why do you profane The Lord’s Prayer by posting it on your filthy, disgusting site?
A: Shut up and clean the fucking house!
Q: Who the hell do you think you are?
A: That’s not a really a question.
Q: Do you have any naked pictures of your girlfriend?
Q: Want some?
A: ! ! !
Q: Why don’t you have a blogroll?
A: I do. It’s under the tab, “Fred-tested Blogs”.
Q: Have you ever lectured to a college classroom with dooty in your pants?
A: Yes, and with blood running down my arm.
Q: Are you pro-life?
A: Isn’t everybody, I mean, in some way or other?
Q: O.J. Simpson: Innocent or guilty?
A: Not very.
Q: Ever bang one of your students?
Q: Is it, “I could care less” or “I couldn’t care less”?
A: It’s just a figure of speech called a leitote. I’m not going to bust anybody’s onions over which is correct. For the record, it’s “I couldn’t care less.” But if somebody wants to say, “I could care less,” I couldn’t care less.
Q: What’s wrong with Tessa?
Q: I mean, why does she use a trach tube and a power chair?
A: Oh. Why didn’t you say so? She has muscular dystrophy. Idn’t she cute?