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Life Ain’t a Bed of Peaches

Life ain’t a bed of peaches. This homely statement forms the cradle of mankind’s greatest modern achievements. The invention of moveable type. Darwin’s theory of biological modification. The Clinton years. From the moment of our first grasp of language, we are exposed to bizarre sentences that make sense only after the mind is strained through a sausage press.

And ain’t ain’t a word. And you can’t begin a sentence with and.

I swear to God my sixth grade mathematics teacher in Grand Island, Nebraska told us not to use hand-held calculators to do our homework because they operated on the base 8 system and we would get the wrong answers. I don’t really need to swear to God. God was there. He heard it! It’s really a wonder God isn’t more pissed off than He is.|

I have an acquaintance who volunteers with Boy Scouts. He’s not creepy or anything. He’s just a grown-up, which isn’t much better than a child molester. He was complaining to me that these kids would not believe him when he told them to sleep naked to stay warmer in their sleeping bags. More than half the kids bought it. But my friend took it as a personal insult that some few wouldn’t buy it. Those few will become millionaires.

We accept what we’re told because it makes no sense. It’s easier that way. Far easier than understanding base 8.  For example, 7+ 7+ 5 = 19 anywhere on Earth, on Pluto, and in the Andromeda Galaxy. But in base 8, it’s 23. Teaching a child anything about the different base systems is like teaching Where the Wild Things Are as a biology textbook.

Now there’s a book that was better than the movie. Why? Way shorter.

That’s why life is not all roses and cream. The purpose of life is to confuse you. No. That ain’t right. The intent of most adults and especially teachers is to confuse you. Why? Because they don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.

For example, English teachers will tell you that you can’t say “Teachers don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground” because their is plural and ass is singular. Therefore, you have a disagreement in number. The ratio of asses to people is one-to-one; therefore, it should read “Teachers don’t know their asses from holes in the ground.” Such teachers should be patted on the head and drop-kicked to the fucking tropopause. Oh, idn’t that great? Microsoft Word just flagged tropopause as a misspelling. Look it up. Learn something. Just don’t ask a grown-up what it is.

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